Introspective bus ride

Highlight of the day is having a BBQ with the CG. It rained and we braved through the rain and cold haha. Had gift exchange too. Got a tumbler which is made of steel (?) so it’s pretty durable, which is good. Good for making tea and mugging in the library/ surviving through long and cold lectures. I think my santee was pretty amused with the amount of socks I got for him. 6 pairs. Even if he don’t do laundry he has enough to get by a week. Pretty sure he won’t be needing socks for some time.

Had a long bus ride home from Tampines, with minimal interruptions cos it went on the highway and no one really stopped along the way too. So at such a time, when you’re alone with all the calm and slow songs on your playlist, it’s pretty hard not to let your thoughts wander to where it gets you lost. I guess it was triggered cos JonKoh¬†asked if I had any resolutions for the new year. Then I realised I couldn’t really recall mine for this year, and had no idea about the next year. I have come to a point where I wasn’t sure what I want for my life, or more importantly, what I want myself to be.

I know I want to pass M4 decently. I want my electives to be enriching. I want a proper break overseas before M5 hounds me. And at the end I want to pass MBBS and not kill anyone after that. I have certain goals. But I’m just not quite sure what kind of person I want to turn out to be. I used to think I’m getting old enough to reason such stuff out. I suppose we grow old but we don’t really grow up.

So instead of being introspective, I thought it’ll be easier to be retrospective for a while. So here’s 2015 in a nutshell, in no particular order, as much as I can recall.

The Best of 2015:

  1. Rinjani. Indo elective itself can count as one of the best experiences in 2015 too, but Rinjani was the highlight of the highlight. I never thought I’ll climb an active volcano, I never thought I could make it to the end. My knee died halfway, but it is also cos of that and the entire journey that I see the importance of support when you go through something you thought was tougher than what your spirit could handle.
  2. Playhouse. Since we’re on the topic of being outside my comfort zone. Dancing oh god haha. The most recent memory of dancing before playhouse was M1 Medicamp. And it was so bad but I huddled at the back and got the steps wrong and just pretended I didn’t have 2 left feet. Well, I did make mistakes this time round too. But heck it, I tried.
  3. M3 – reaping what I sown. I recall struggling at the start. Everyone does I guess. But M3 felt like an eternity and I wasn’t exactly happy to be getting 60s for so many postings. Glad I managed to reach my goal of hitting the 70s towards the end, which was 2015-ish. And Pros was scary but I survived unscathed.
  4. Making a new friend and keeping the old ones. Hello KZ haha. I thought I’ll be too old to make new friends at this age, much less maintain a new friendship for so long. IM was fun for so many reasons and making new friends (ie. with the other CG) was one of them. I renewed my friendship with my primary school peeps too. And although we grew apart for so many years – secondary school and JC – I don’t know how I got so lucky to have them want to keep in contact with me.
  5. Moving on. I don’t know how I allowed myself to enter a state of emotional ambiguity with someone I feel I barely got to know properly for the past 2 years or so. And he moved on. So, so have I. I don’t know who moved on first, whether whatever I thought happened for a particular reason was the true reason, whether I actually had some sort of value (I can’t think of a nicer word) such that one day if I disappear it would shake up the person’s life that one bit. I guess I’ll never know, but it doesn’t matter anymore.

The Not-so-nice Stuff in 2015:

  1. I could have handled it better. Digging into someone’s privacy… even though the person is a very easy going person, probably wasn’t the best idea. Totally self destructed and bombed my own trustworthiness meter when things spiraled downhill. It made me question my own values and I think it sucked.
  2. Being critical of people. I guess I really resented being someone to absorb my friend’s complaints and freaking out moments. Because I felt that I had a load on my shoulders as well. But at the end of the year, when I received a Christmas card with gratitude for doing all that… damn, it meant something to somebody when I saw it as an annoying chore. Guilty.
  3. Letting my family sink lower and lower down the priority list. It’s just the little things.

Strangely that’s all I can recall for the second list haha. I seriously need to up my interpersonal skills though.

I guess resolutions aren’t for me in 2016. As long as the 2 lists get more and more disproportionate in the right way, I’m good.

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