I be ok

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The weather is awesome right now. You can either sleep… or write. Studying is probably the most inefficient thing that can take place now.

Studying in conditions like this reminds me of a friend I used to talk to a lot. I remember sometime last year, the weather was like this – the arrival of the monsoon season and the exams. We’ll talk about how we fell asleep and curse/blame the weather for our inefficiencies, or how much we’ve covered/not covered. I still remember freaking out one day when I burnt midnight oil and slept in wayyyy too much the next day. Anyway, it’s all very general stuff actually. It’s just that the lack of any contact now makes every memory I can possibly recall a somewhat special encounter. Well, dear friend, I truly hope you’re doing ok in this weather, and life in general.

It’s strange how I have been thinking about this friend again. Like, not just today. I even wondered if I should make any attempts to be in contact again. It’s either now… or never. Cos we’ll see each other less and less. And the reasons to talk will too, get less and less. And therefore the difficulty to start a conversation again is only going to increase. Oh well, I’ll leave that thought to another day. Just wondering if he’ll ever want to take me as a friend anymore. Yes it’s strictly platonic. I’ve come to the realization that it’s not easy to love/be loved when it comes to me. Yes it’s a disgusting line you probably heard over and over again on TV – it’s not you, it’s me! *cries*. But I don’t care, I think it applies to me. I’m really not mature or emotional enough to love/be loved now.

Anyway, as I was saying, exams are coming. This is the earliest exam among all the postings. Not sure if the lack of fear is reassuring or not. Good news is that there’s a 2-weeks holiday soon! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that that 2 weeks is the longest holiday thus far for this academic year. I really want to go out for that 2 weeks, but the thought of crowded, wet streets puts me off. Sigh. After that, it’ll be the end of the year and the start of a new one then what do you know, falalala it’ll be my 22nd. Actually, his too, which begs the question – should I try to talk to him again?

Other things to talk about (maybe another day):
1) How I feel like my 21st has flew by and birthdays just scare me now.
2) The school keeps arranging holidays such that they overlap with the public holidays! It’s just cheating me of the rightful amount of time I get time off school.

More important discussion right now is… maybe I should drop a text to reconnect with somebody that I used to knowww. A generic ‘Happy birthday, have a great one! :)’ maybe. I really can’t think of another proper occasion to start talking and no way am I going down the ‘Hey it’s strange how we have stopped talking for so long and it feels like we’re complete strangers and I would very much like to be your friend again. Please don’t hate me.’ path. Although the latter is really what I want to say. Ok, let’s think through what can happen.
1) I get no reply.
2) I get a short, curt reply like, ‘thanks!’. Conversation is made up of 2 lines and dies even before it even gets the chance to live.
3) Conversation propagates. 🙂
4) Maybe sometime into the future I’ll get a happy birthday text too. To which I can only see myself replying ‘hey thanks! :)’.
5) Maybe sometime into the future I won’t even get such a text.

Options 2, 4, 5 feels very likely.

In short, if I try, I might be back to square one… or we might be friends again. No matter what, I’ll be the awesome person who tries to revive a friendship. If I don’t, I’ll always be at square one. And the one who rather lose a friend for good than her pride.

I think the choice is clear. And I’ll be ok.

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