Polarizing

The positive Steph:
Do you ever have days where you just wake up thinking you have to change something in your life? In fact, you kinda want a revamp. You actually feel that slight burst of energy inside you. You consider waking up earlier so that your days can last longer. You consider dressing up for yourself, wearing (more) colours just to introduce some into your life. You feel motivated to make your life better, to make your life seem like what you imagined when you were a kid. Happier and more fulfilling.

Hence, I’m feeling a bit more motivated to read up early. πŸ™‚

The forever rebutting her own thoughts Steph:
But I think it is partly due to the fact that I hear people around doing attachments and research already. Then I hear that some people do it for residency. That scared the hell outta me. Because I still have no freaking intention of working for residency yet, or what field to try for.

I dislike the fact that I might be doing something because of a rat race instead of because I believe that doing it benefits me.

In fact, I have a bunch of other worries. I’m already quite scared cos I know I forgot a great deal of knowledge from my preclinical years. Why worry about the future when you already have the present to worry about? I’m still thinking about the possible ways of getting by clinical years. And how to break out of my chrysalis – immense dislike of taking initiative/talking in front of a group of people. 😦

The advice giving Steph:

Take it at my own pace, but also be responsible for my own learning, which means to break out of the chrysalis anyway. Don’t do it because of peer pressure, do it because you want to and you’re ready. Breathe in, breathe out. What’s the adult you imagined yourself to be when you were a kid?

The Steph at the very core (reaching into the soul):
I hope to be someone who takes pride in my work, regardless of its prestige/pay. I hope to be someone who is confident in her own skills, and translate that confidence to proficiency. I hope to never miss out on my family life, as well as my personal life outside work. That, i think, would be a happy and fufilling life.

The forever rebutting her thoughts Steph:
I hope this isn’t a sign of a psychological disease.

The advice giving Steph:
Then work toward building a good foundation to being a good clinician. Learn as much as you can, work hard, don’t be so allergic to failure. Fight that irrational fear of shame for being wrong (which should not be legit anyway). You watched 3 idiots (hindi movie) right?

Rancho: Don’t chase success, chase excellence and success will follow, pants down.

Being wrong is… never really wrong. So don’t fear! Well, try anyway in the midst of fear. πŸ™‚

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