Rectify

I’ve been thinking about writing something all day but somehow it took me the whole day before actually making myself do it. I feel like there’s mental clutter to clear, and hence the need to write. Strangely, I’m finding it hard to formulate my thoughts into words. Spent quite alot of time jumping around webpages, hoping to find something that resonates with my mood, but nah.

Maybe I’ve been feeling a little lost. I always found it ironic that in reality I already sort of have my life panned out 50% of the time, yet the feeling of being lost haunts me every now and then. By having my life panned out I mean having to go to school, hospitals, learn the workings of being a doctor, getting the degree (for the next 3 years or so). Technically that will take up a substantial amount of my time. I’m not sure why I still feel so lost.

Deep down, I wish to define myself more, or as something else entirely. A medical student, a doctor, an introvert, a volleyball player, hates baking, has too many irrational fears/insecurities… pretty much all I’ve been all this time. I want… change. I’m just not sure how and where to begin. I started asking myself what I like (you know, like LIKE). It’s a difficult question, and it’s not the first time I asked myself that. It’s like those ‘tell me more about yourself’ questions that leaves you feeling so empty.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a vessel. I carry expectations, dreams and ideals loaded onto me. Honestly, I don’t really blame people for these expectations, dreams and ideals that’ll never form endogenously in me. That material wealth is priority 1 or 2. Their experiences formed these stuff and it seems right to them. I don’t always concur with them, but I always wonder if it is because I have yet to experience what they experienced or that I’m just too naive. That all these stuff is gold which I’m too blind to recognize.

So. I haven’t formed my own expectations, dreams and ideals. By dreams I don’t just mean an occupation, but more of how I wish my life would be coloured by. Big house? Kids? Just migrate somewhere? What kind of person do I strive to be? (I always go downhill from here because I’ll start wondering if I should have answers at this age, whether these questions are important, whether I should even fuss about them now or just find out as I stumble along.)

I don’t have the guts to say Medicine is my passion. Seriously, growing up with Newtonian forces, differentials and integrals, forming opinions about issues through other people’s opinions, a ball game and a bunch of girls, a family selling textiles and clothing, alot of community service not really dealing with healthcare, meagre working experience at a clinic… I’ll be an ass to say that my exposure has pointed me to this direction. The level of like and dislike for medical and non-medical things in my life is about the same? I feel as gratified solving a tough maths question as figuring out a physiology case (actually maths a bit more because I know more people who hates maths and it’s just my ego at play haha). I hate memorising any sort of information.

But a job in the healthcare sector is stable, challenging, a little scary but enough to give you the adrenaline kick, and my grades qualified. So there. At 19 years old, my nature and nurture could only make decisions that way.

But I still want more. I fantasize just learning random stuff cos it’s interesting or being passionate about something such that I can be defined. Like how low fat mayo is produced (really cool btw), trial by ordeal in medival Europe, crazily confusing X-men series. I just feel that my life right now is not very fulfilling and even if I satisfy my curiosity about the above mentioned topics from the internet, I’m not contented. There’s a hole sucking the life out of my life. My vessel is not sailing in a way that makes me truly happy and contented.

I really have too many irrational fears that paralyze me. I’m having alot of contradictory thoughts too. Like how i wish I have a clearer picture of my future plans, yet still yearn to be able to do things on the whim. I’m still as confused as I was at the beginning of the post. I just threw thoughts out into the open.

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