Moth to the flame

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“So how have you been? Anything good happened in your life? Or anything bad?”

A casual conversation starter kinda snowballed today and I found out more about a friend and myself, in ways I didn’t expect. So, today I found out that my friend is gay and was in love with me for 5 years. She is still in love, but with someone else. I’m happy about that, partly because she’s quite happy about her partner and also because I would not know how to respond if she is still in love with me. I felt that it was easy to digest all the facts today, except for the 5 years part.

I always knew I was quite oblivious to my surroundings and people around. Kind of ironic right? Aware of my oblivion. I didn’t know the oblivion started so long ago. That’s, to me, the hardest part to digest. I can’t help but wonder how much has passed me by without me knowing, love-related or not. I remind myself to be more aware, but… it doesn’t work that way. Telling yourself to be conscious is not going to make you conscious. And I haven’t figured out a better way. Till then, just know that sometimes I do/don’t do some things either due to the lack of guts or the lack of awareness, and I apologise in advance.

The oblivion aside, I also felt that I might have grown/matured without knowing. Oblivion again hahaha but no one notes these stuff. If she had confessed back then, I would have chose avoidance as the solution. That’s because when I panic and don’t know what to do, I tend to run away from issues. If the same thing happened now, I guess the panic will still be there, but I would at least work up some courage to clarify things upfront. Maybe it’s also because another friend posed a hypothetical question like that to me before, so I can come up with a solution since I had already rationalized everything. From this and some other unfamiliar relationship issues, I figured that I can’t keep waiting for resolutions to pop out by themselves and I got to take matters in my own hands. I guess sometimes we all learn only by experience.

Catching up with an old friend also means repeating my stories and continuing where I had left off the previous time. That means opening up band-aids to show the damage and causing some sort of damage along the way by re-living the pain. I still can’t imagine how I’ll ever seek closure, so I’m letting time close the wounds. I know it’s probably not the best way and the wounds can reopen easily but it’s the easiest way out. I just don’t have to guts, somehow.

The fact that a boy-girl relationship was never established makes some things much easier and some things much harder. It’s easier to patronize some people that whatever happened just happened and it’s not worth noting. But it’s much harder to admit that something that is so ambiguous can hurt a part of me that I never knew was so fragile. It’s hard to admit that I have a fragile part too. It’s like saying a phantom hit me. The pain is there but I can’t prove its existence. It depletes my courage to seek closure because I felt like I didn’t have the right (I was wrong to think that way).

Ok actually a large part of this whole fiasco has been hard for me. I wonder if I even inflicted any pain to him before. Somehow I wish I did. As if that seems to imply I had some sort of power over someone and that would soothe my ego. If I did, has he healed completely? Did I leave a scar? I still wish I did. But nevermind these details. The focus should be to move on from whatever damage there is. It’s been too long.

The score now: Love – 1, Lost – 1, Relationships – 0.

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