Expiry

Hello! It’s back to school today. Will be having procedural skills week followed by 3 weeks+ of postings before the holidays! Then M3 comes and I believe I’ll be thrown into a mess at least for the start. Hopefully all goes well. Feeling pretty excited about procedural skills week cos it’s the first time in med school where you actually get to learn to poke/insert something into someone! Not saying that it’s joy doing that (might be hard, in fact). I guess measuring BP and touching the stethoscope for the first time triggered this excitement before… but it’s kind of different? Just glad to do something slightly less related to memorising hard facts, and something to hone my dexterity. It’ll start tomorrow! Hope it’ll be fun and good. šŸ™‚

Speaking of school, my complexion is really bad. Yes, there is a link. (I’ll sleep earlier today) To think i used to have one of the best complexions in the vball team last time hahahaha sigh.

Anyway, whatever I mentioned about someone doing something that made me feel funny in the previous post, I guess it doesn’t matter… I’m relieved I’m letting it go. Not pursuing what his actions mean, or whether I’m a friend or greater. Actually it’s partly because I’m starting to think that I’ve been seeing my own value through his eyes. Like whether he likes me determines whether I’m someone with enough lovable qualities. When I believe he doesn’t, the sadness slinks in and slowly sheds to reveal a core of self-pity. Self-pity where I think of myself as someone who will not be loved by someone else for who I am. When I jump out into a third person perspective, I find that very ridiculous and illogical. If any of my friends said that to me, I would be scolding them because I know they are way undervalued if they have been thinking that way. Because to me they worth much more.

Then again, it brought me to some questions. Why did I regard what he thought of me as a measurement of my value? Sure, having certain feelings for him plays a part. But when did someone’s love for you (such a strong word to use in my opinion…) become a measure of self-worth? It seemed like 2 mutually exclusive matters in the past, so why do they overlap now? Is it even right to experience love this way? And sometimes I really wonder…. if there’s anyone out there willing to grow old (in a marriage) with me – someone to live with, tolerate and love me for the way I am? Ok the last question kinda stemmed from watching too much You Who Came From The Stars hahaha.

I love that show btw! Tugs on a few heartstrings besides the love and romance parts haha. I read this review for an episode and it was talking about how Do Min Joon finally started living a life when he has 2 mths left on earth, and how he spent the previous 400 years just trying to stay low-profile for survival. Just wondering if I’ll live my life like that. Doing things… then only finally living when life is nearing its end. And this show distracted me from thinking about other less pleasant stuff in life so yesss, thumbs and toes up! šŸ˜€

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