Dealing with a backache and procrastination now. And yes it was the hormones. I knew it, I knew it. Slough away man.
Anyway, looking forward to lunch tomorrow with an old friend! I’m not sure what exactly I wanna talk about. I know I have quite a few thoughts squirming in my mind and consuming my brain… but I haven’t managed to translate those thoughts into words. I know I have to get them off my mind and chest though.
Last night while I was trying to cope from another insomniac episode, I was thinking about how I always have these thoughts that I am dying to get off their chest. Sometimes it’s hard because I feel that you can’t say it in all honesty (no reason why). So in the end when I decide to say it, everything sounds like some ambiguous moosh. It sounds so senseless so I swallow all the thoughts and feelings in the end.
Let me try to say things in all honesty then. Here.
I wonder if it’s the long duration where we have not spoken or because I’ve changed my perception of you as being possibly more than a friend, that conversations seem different and I also act differently. It was also something I realised in my insomniac episode last night. I feel comfortable disturbing my friends (whichever gender) in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep. And I tell them that I’m talking to them to disturb them cos I can’t sleep. It’s like some sort of comfort that I can be annoying because I want to and people won’t really be bothered by it. Honestly, I wished I felt that it was ok to disturb you too. But it didn’t feel ok, so I didn’t. I didn’t want to appear needy. But… I am needy in these sort of circumstances. It’s just conflicting to want to let someone know about it and not know about it at the same time. Why is it that when you seem more than a friend, I end up distancing myself such that we seem less than friends. Sigh in all honesty, that’s what I want to say although I realised it still seems like some ambiguous moosh.