Tell me why

My life is like a wreck now. I didn’t even choose to be like that. Well, I guess you can argue that letting the unhappiness overwhelm me is a choice. But just let me rant? I did not create the source of unhappiness and I hate how I’m forced into this whirlpool of shit. It has reached the point where saying vulgarities has failed to make me feel better.

For the past few days, I’ve seen the ugliest side of a person. Really, the most repulsive sight. It’s an eye-opener I suppose, except that I really want to shut myself out of that sight. My respect for the person has dwindled, to zero, to negative. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even feel like talking/thinking about it. It’s like dirty air in my mind which I can’t wait to flush out but it keeps coming back. Again, not my choice. It’s bloody because it keeps happening.

I’ve cried, secretly anyway. But I stopped. Cos I hate when I cry, cos I’m once again told not to show my weakness, cos by now I know the tears are not worth anything. It no longer makes me feel better and it has sucked the energy out of me needlessly. Even when the tears are about to burst out of my sockets, I’ve learnt to hold it back. Well, on the bright side, achievement unlocked.

Now tell me, why must I deal with this.

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