There’s a strange bad mood that enveloped me all of a sudden. Not sure if it’s just hormones or something more serious lurking inside my subconscious mind. A bit of punk music makes everything feel better but the feeling is never really gone. The wind blows and it feels so cold. It’s so weird because I would usually love such breezes.
I wonder if it’s just because school is going to start soon and when people ask me, “So how’s your holidays?”, I have nothing much to say apart from the fact that I moved house and the process was like living hell. The only comfort is that everything is done, just in time for me to start school. But I’m really not ready at all. -plays Back to December- I never minded not going out of Singapore for holidays. Home works just fine, afterall, most of what you need is within reach. I just wish I got to meet some of the people I planned to. But schedules clash and what do you know, it’s time to get busy again. I’m sure I’ll feel a wee bit better if I didnt have to do an essay too, for a topic which I’m sure will never be solved with all the discussion but no action. We all know we can do something but few really does anything. Topic is poverty and equity by the way.
I wonder if I dread school so much now because of the schoolwork or because, I feel lonely quite alot. People are nice and kind (appears so anyway) but that’s that. I wonder if I lost the ability to interact with human beings sometimes. Or am i more withdrawn… and then bother to interact less… and then become more withdrawn… and interact less. It goes on. To be honest, there’s no “human factor” that would draw me to school now. I never really minded being around those people but hmm… I think you get what i mean. This is what people meant by “you feel so lonely in a crowd”, I guess. I miss the people who appreciate/sort of like my retarded humour. I miss being able to sing to my friends and we laugh at my singing and how it’s oddly appropriate. I miss my own oddities. I forgot when they became embarrassing body parts I tried to hide. I hate to say it but at some point in time, I lost myself and I just found out. I need to get a grip and start liking the things I do again. If I can’t like the things I do, I’ll change the things I do till I like them.
This post feels so comforting now. And I just realised, I never liked to use me/I/my whenever I have to talk about my negative emotions. Anyway, before I forget, some resolutions for the new year! Here goes, in no particular order.
1) Don’t give people the attitude you hate so much (don’t be a rude nasty arrogant bitch).
2) Clear your doubts asap and don’t let them eat you away when exams come. It’s ok to be an idiot now, that’s what school is for (or so I think)!
3) Give more love to the people you love.
4) As and when possible, don’t fake a smile and say yes. Stick to what you believe!
5) Please be more hardworking and stop procrastinating. I actually hope this becomes a habit.
Just a side note, i really hate how people say “party during the holidays” rather than “play during the holidays”, unless you really went to a club and swam in booze and all. Now, i really should do that essay. If only it’s as effortless as this post. Working on resolution no. 5!