Since i have so much time at work, i often use it (constructively, hopefully) reflecting about what i should have, would have and could have done with my life. I also think a lot about what i want for my life in the future and how i should go about doing the things i want. Thinking about the past and present is easy. The future, however, is damn difficult to me. I admire those who manage to lay out plans for the rest of their life easily and the strategies to go about achieving those goals. For me, the furthest future i can think about is probably a few months later. Asking me to consider the years beyond the current one is beyond me. Sure, it’s easy to fantasize about meeting a good guy and setting up a family and having control in life and having a good job where i’m not overwhelmed by the challenges yet it is still intellectually somewhat stimulating. But i never really thought about when i want those things to happen. Usually these thoughts are brushed away with “ahh, sometime in the future~”. Now that the future is approaching me, it’s scary. Should i really map out the timeline i want for my life? Or should i just take it one step at a time and see what fate throws at me and deal with it?
Now that i look at it, i realised i often use the word “should”. Somehow, i’m conditioned to think that there’s a certain way to do things. In a way that will have the most minimal negative impact on others. In a way that i would not regret for the rest of my life. In short, i’m damn scared of uncertainty and i’m too used to being guided by adults around me. Not to say that i dislike (at least not completely) people guiding me, but i think i became too sheltered that way. Well, like a strawberry. Maybe i think too much whenever i have to make a decision and ultimately not make any in the end and just go with the flow. Somehow i feel that all the thinking became the milestones to the regrets of not doing certain things. Thinking about things like that too much such that i didnt realise how fast my youth was passing me by. I remember in an older post, i once said that i didnt want a total clean slate during my youth (qing1 chun1 liu2 bai2). I’m not saying i want to do crazy things like drugs or teenage pregnancy and other vices. I wanted something significant which i can look back someday and say, “wow”. I wanted to live, and not just exist.
Now, my slate is not totally blank and stellar but i was hoping for more. Ok, so i did have a few achievements. Here and there, all for the resume or university applications. I know people will want to slap me if i told them i didnt cherish those grades as much as they would. Yeah i was happy over those grades too, because i worked hard and it came out as i hoped. Happy, then. The happiness did not really settle in, it just came and went. It lasted much, much, much shorter than i thought and wished. Lost and still wandering. It’s like going for a journey and having the best possible backpack but not knowing where to head to. If this backpack was given to someone who already mapped out their destination, i’m sure their journey would be much better.
Maybe it’s just time to take the first step to see where i want to head towards.