seemingly lovelorn

Guys who play drums (the full drum set kind that people use in bands) sweep me off my feet easily. Or at least in my mind. I think their charisma multiply at least 10 times when they perform. They are like the chill people who sit behind but contribute the backbone of the song. Just saying. But does anyone get what i’m trying to say? D: Anyway, in a song, the beats are usually the one that keep my toes “dancing”. But i think usually people will just see my leg twitching or shaking haha.

I started watching Running Man and i totally understand why it’s so popular. I should start listening to people’s suggestions when it comes to dramas/shows. Anyway, i watched one episode where the guys have to try to make Song Ji-hyo’s heartbeat increase to 130. Apart from the funny parts like her heart rate dropping immediately when they say “house”, after the show, i started thinking about the things that would make my heart beat faster too. Attentive guys? Nice… but i think i’m the kind who would flare up when someone sticks too much, too close to me. Friend turn lover situation? Wahahaha i always thought that was a good thing because it’s good to have him understand you and know your flaws before diving into a relationship. But then, as i grew up, i realised, guy friends will always be friends. Somehow, you just don’t want to change that status. And i’m somehow not capable of being friends with guys i like. So the possibility of that happening feels so… low. I doubt i can figure this sort of thing out easily so let’s just let nature take course.

I finished Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen. It took me 4 months to finish the story. Hahaha ok, i started in January and stopped until 2 days ago. I think it’ll only take at most 1 day to finish the book if i want to. And i think i’m starting to like reading all over again. I’m quite happy that i’m finally injecting some life in my, well, life. Running Man, reading, writing, drawing (at times), listening to more music… and i’m going to start watching Heartstrings after the last interview on Monday. Why can’t i have as much resolve in doing things that seem to matter more? Hahaha actually i know why… the things that seem to matter more, don’t really matter that much to me. I’m always afraid of saying such things because i’m afraid that such thoughts are momentary and that it’ll go away or become totally reversed when i grow older. Things like, money isn’t so important, it doesn’t matter where you go as long as you come out as tops, i can live without a man etc. But i’m even more afraid that all these thoughts are indeed all that i need to keep moving on in life and i’m just denying them because other people disagree. So i think i’ll just leave these thoughts as they are first, KIV. Maybe after meeting more people and experiencing more stuff, i’ll judge my own beliefs again.

Today i met an auntie who i initially thought was just another patient getting the forms. This time, it wasn’t just another patient. I met someone who got me reflecting about some things without intentionally lecturing me with her views of life/governance. I don’t know how to phrase it such that it sounds interesting/doesn’t sound like i’m trying to bluff my way through an interview. “Medical bills that are a few hundred every month”, “daughter earns about 2k plus a bit, i work part-time only, the ambulance to transport my husband each time costs $30 even after joining the disabled association”, “why are they giving us the subsidies and then increasing the medical fees at the same time?”, “after showing the counselor my bank book, she said that if people like me are eligible for subsidies then there will be a long queue all the way outside the polyclinics applying too”, “he (the husband) doesnt want to eat medicine even when he has a fever or flu, rather just let nature take course and die”, “can die, cannot be sick”. She left while tearing up. Actually, the conversation seemed to be a montage of what people say to me all the time i have been working at the polyclinic. I don’t really know why but i felt strange after hearing all this at once, esp the part about the counselor. I guess, a lot of times, we never truly wanted to help because we never truly understood. Now, the apprehension of what i’m introducing to people is growing stronger. Am i really helping people?

I’m quite glad i wrote this post, although i really sound lovelorn at the beginning.


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