have a cup of depresso

T_T

How should i even start? It’s just one of the rough days when one thing can trigger a mental/emotional landslide.

Somehow my life feels like an empty shell. Yes, there has been a few pursuits, which are mostly not self-initiated. Even when you manage to get what you seemed to have wanted, the happiness lasts so short and gradually fades away when you think back. Eventually, there’s almost none left. Hm. It’s the same story, the same thinking, the same thing i always say. But nothing changes.

Sometimes i like shutting others/things out i seem like an introvert, sometimes i hate the silence but still end up saying something wrong it doesn’t make anything better. What, i sound like i have a disorder. Maybe it’s just that sometimes you need to retreat to your own bubble, to breathe, to take in everything. The part about saying something wrong, it’s… just bad. Then i feel like it’s better if i don’t talk and feel weird about the silence inside. I tried for a while to be who i am, say what i think, act how i feel. It wasn’t a very good idea. Either i feel too raw/exposed, or it’s just not right to act that way socially. In conclusion, it seems better to reserve some things. No one has to see beyond that mask you’re wearing, no matter how thick it is, doubt anyone really wishes to. Everyone’s happier hiding. I do sound like a hypocrite now. I may not be in the logical, objective state of mind now, so you can disagree with whatever i say.

It may seem weird to some that i think of this, but have you ever thought of what you’ll do if you know you’re going to die in say 2 weeks? Or maybe a month is better. I prefer to think of it as thinking ahead/preparing just in case. And in a way, you start thinking of what you really want in life too. Because you want it, you’ll want to make it happen before this life ends.

Let’s have a minute of silence now and let me make my way back to that shell. My brother is a bad singer T_T i want my one minute of silence.

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