out of the league

Not stupid, just not as smart/hardworking and definitely not as disciplined.

As the fears build up, my insecurities start to rattle and my mental state seems more fragile than ever. I forgot what it’s like to have someone being proud of you, people not really bothering about your grades cos they more or less end up fine, not being so damn freaked out after every single paper and so fearful of everything. Yet all i got in return was a lost mind, clean pages with crosses and a demoralised soul. I actually just remembered the former scenarios just a minute ago. So ancient, so dusty and so intangible. What more must i do to salvage the situation? I can’t say i did not study for the exams. I suppose i did, but i guess it wasn’t the right method/i probably really didnt get the things i thought i did. So much for trial and error, i really can’t afford them anymore! I rmb, the first physics test i got a S, then the next i got an A, then an S again. That was when all the nightmare began, i felt myself losing grip again. Perhaps i thought with that amount of grasp i can pull through, apparently not. Was i like this in the past? And i remember 2 years ago i struggled with the same freaking subject. Started by passing with 0.5 mark, then 1 mark, then 1.5 marks (or smth like that), then i forced myself to get a b3 cos i didnt want to pass by 2 marks only. And passing a test that half the level failed. Sigh. Whatever it is, i think it’s quite useless to delve into the past cos all that matters is the present and future. But i guess, from that S to A and the c6s to a b3, it shows that i’m not stupid. I can do it if i try hard enough, damn bloody hard, to make up for all the abilities/brain power/intelligence i lack. I really don’t want to accept that i’m that inferior. This time, when i close my eyes, it doesn’t go away, nothing gets fixed by itself. Now, i can tell how much of an escapist i am. I hope it isn’t too late to do anything. I remember shying away from RC last year cos of EOYs, i’m gonna shy away from the whole com alr la. Just need so much more effort to be put in the promos. So much more. So so so much more. That freaking much more! Not doing all this for anyone else but myself. There’s something i need to prove to myself. I’m not a failure, i’m not stupid, i’m stephanie. Inferiority has got to have an expiry date!

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