cos cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

why does it feel like ages since i came here when it’s only been a week or so? sigh, spent the week studying(i dunno if it was useful… but i guess even if the results dun turn out pretty i shld deserve some credit too). super tired, maths today and i was an insomniac ytd. i dreamt of maths too. i totally hate being careless. to me, carelessness is more unforgivable than not knowing how to do in maths. it’s the same feeling as seeing a word in the vocab section of lang arts compre, knowing you’ve seen it, used it, heard it excessively, yet unable to explain it. how shld i call this feeling… ah yes, the i-want-to-stab-myself-in-the-heart feeling. my only hope of making up the marks lost due to carelessness is the bonus, which seems wrong, so… i really shld accept that the marks are gone -echoes: gone gone goooooonnnneeee~- and move on. hcl paper 1 and chem paper on mon. sucks sucks sucks. starting to have phobia of writing chinese compos. wo dui bu qi jiao guo wo de lao shi men. i rmb loving chinese, loving, really! i looked forward to chinese lessons, cos i know it’s the only lesson i could really feel free and express myself. somehow now… the feeling is gone. hmm perhaps i’m used to the learning-chinese-words-and-making-up-sentences lessons than ahh-yes-come-on-lets-analyse-this-essays. sometimes i feel a little ashamed for being chinese cos of my chinese standard now. shld do something abt it? even if it’s not for the grades, i think i shld. i think i’d study bio for the day, do as much as i can. then tmr i shall study chem, make sure i understand everything. if time permits, shall continue with geog. having second thoughts abt wanting to take physics next year. what if i screw up super ultra badly and no one wants me in the science field. my chem is, uh not very wonderful either. yeah if my maths isnt too lousy i’d still have something to fall back on. but then my career paths will be cut down, and i think if i rely on maths i’d probably end up doing office work(ahhh no i dun want) or smth. i dunno where my life is heading. am i doing well for other ppl, for grades, the glory, or am i just a headless mosquito. in reality, ppl judge, just on different aspects, looks and/or smarts. somehow, i feel that a part of me acknowledges that and only (attempt to)do well for ppl to see. yet consciously i have to remind myself there’s alot more than studies. it just that now, studies in my life is such a giant that it seems to block my view from everything else. either that, of it’s alr surrounding me and i can’t seem to reach to other things. in the world where comparisons are inevitable, i wonder who wont ever feel inferior.

Friday, Oct 2nd, 2009 — You are hopeful today that your current financial condition will improve soon. Your extra efforts at work won’t likely go unnoticed now, although you could get frustrated because it will probably take some time yet to be acknowledged. Don’t worry about the immediate response from your associates or your boss. Focus on quietly meeting your obligations and have faith that things will turn around.


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